The Lord has been teaching me a lot lately. There it is. That statement that barely begins to encompass everything that is going on in my heart, head, mind, soul, life, etc. The list goes on. Common questions in my life lately: how are you, are you ready for school to start again, what are you wanting to do with your life, what's new, etc. Common questions that should be easy to answer, but questions that really leave me standing there with a blank stare on my face wondering how do I answer this in the quickest, best, and most understandable way possible. There isn't an easy answer to any of these questions in my life right now. Let me start by saying this: I am extremely blessed and joyful about my life. Not just this moment right now, but my life in general. This summer I've really been learning a lot about what it means to be satisfied and content. It's been an interesting process to say the least. I see patterns in the lessons the Lord has taught me in the past 5 years. I really do think the biggest part of my journey in my faith began when I went to college. Situations that revealed to me where my heart was really at, and how ugly it really was. God has been stretching, healing, teaching, growing, mending, saving, challenging, humbling, leading, and mainly caring for my heart. He will do the same for you. Just ask.
I'm thinking out loud here. Well, thinking out loud in the sense of just typing out whatever comes to mind in the moment. I feel silly doing this but hey, it's my blog and I make the rules. I'm interviewing myself. I'm a weird lady sometimes. I'm okay with that!
Self: Bri, how are you?
Bri: Well self, I am doing pretty well!
Self: No, but really, how are you?
Bri: I'm doing GREAT. I've had to let go of a lot of ideas of who I am, and a lot of things that were holding me back from really seeing my life for what it is. I'm learning what it means to be a disciple of Jesus, how to live that out in a more meaningful and glorifying way to God, as well as learning who I really am in Christ.
Self: Woah.
Bri: I know right? Try explaining that to someone who doesn't share my beliefs.
Self: Isn't that the point?
Bri: Yesssssss.
Self: So Bri, are you ready for school to start again?
Bri: Meh. I mean it's nice to have an actual schedule, but it's also nice to only really have one thing to work on.
Self: Expand on that.
Bri: Well...working full time, doing side projects, doing stuff with church, AND school is kind of taxing. But I have a slightly different perspective this semester. I was so drained in many previous semesters, and I think that's mainly because I kept trying to do things on my own. It's amazing to see my life through the eyes of the Bible though. If I look at my life through the Word of God, it's so much better. My life isn't for me. My life is for GOD. My life is meant to glorify the Lord. My life is meant to be lived like Jesus did, and my life is meant to show people the glory and power of the Holy Spirit. I mean, it's still a huge challenge to die to myself daily, hourly, and pretty much every minute. It's hard. But it get's easier. The more I focus on the Lord, the less I notice the weariness that comes from doing things in my own strength. John 3:30, self!! "He must become greater; I must become less." Really that's one of the main verses I'm focusing on right now! It's crazy. I love it. But it makes me such a huge internal processor and somewhat of a hermit. Which is weird. But I think I'll get out of that phase soon.
Self: ummmmm.
Bri: Yeah, I know it's a lot and most of it doesn't really make that much sense. I told you. It's crazy. Aka I feel like I'm on a crazy awesome adventure in my faith. Like, I'm on this obstacle course high above the ground and God keeps asking, do you TRUST me. I have to be like, YES LORD I TRUST YOU WITH EVERYTHING. Some days I don't. Those days are awful. At the end of those days I'm like, shoot Lord, why didn't I trust you. It's my selfishness. It's my awful pride. It's my sinful nature.
Self: How does this relate to school.
Bri: School is just another part of my life that is a part of this season I'm in. And it's not my main focus. God is. So everything flows through that. At least I want everything to flow through that. God.
Self: Okay. So...what are you wanting to do with your life?
Bri: You sound hesitant in asking me that.
Self: I mean...
Bri: Short answer: I have NO idea. God has taken me on this extremely unexpected and unpredictable journey the past 5 years.
Self: Long answer then.
Bri: I would LOVE to work at a church doing design, communications, worship arts, something. I see myself in ministry. I see myself married to a man in ministry. But I might marry a doctor. I might marry a circus performer. I might not get married. But like I said, I see myself in ministry. When my teachers talk about "the real world" in the design community, I cringe. If I end up doing that, I know that God has a beautiful purpose in me being at an ad agency or at a design company. But really. I cringe. It scares me. Which probably means I'll end up there. God is funny like that. I adore His sense of humor. At first, I did really hate it, but the sooner I learned to laugh with God and learn from the lesson, the more I enjoyed it. The more I adored God. It's a process. But really. I have no idea. I guess what I really want to do with my life is live out the second of my favorite verses: Proverbs 31:25 "She is clothed with strength and dignity, she can laugh at the days to come." Really I'm not worried. I have two years left in this town for sure. I mean, I can't really say for sure because we all know how God can change anything in an instant. But really, I want to finish my degree. I'm six classes away. Two years away. Then after that? Only God knows. And to me, that is SO exciting. Scary, but exciting.
Self: So, what's new.
Bri: Everything. God is amazing. Beyond anything I ever expected. Everyday I learn something new.
End of thinking out loud. If you read that, I applaud you. Pray for me. Share how I can pray for YOU. I would love to.
