Where is YOUR Heart?

Time for an interactive blog post!

Answer these questions:
1. Who and What am I living for?
2. Where do I find purpose?
3. Whose kingdom are you living in?
4. What makes you get up in the morning?
5. What is your highest goal?
6. If God’s eyes was to move through this place looking for a man/woman whose heart was fully His, would His eyes rest on you?

These are hard questions.  I keep asking myself these questions over and over.  Kind of like a reality check as to where my heart is.  Perspective.

A Self Interview

The Lord has been teaching me a lot lately.  There it is.  That statement that barely begins to encompass everything that is going on in my heart, head, mind, soul, life, etc.  The list goes on.  Common questions in my life lately: how are you, are you ready for school to start again, what are you wanting to do with your life, what's new, etc.  Common questions that should be easy to answer, but questions that really leave me standing there with a blank stare on my face wondering how do I answer this in the quickest, best, and most understandable way possible.  There isn't an easy answer to any of these questions in my life right now.  Let me start by saying this: I am extremely blessed and joyful about my life.  Not just this moment right now, but my life in general.  This summer I've really been learning a lot about what it means to be satisfied and content.  It's been an interesting process to say the least.  I see patterns in the lessons the Lord has taught me in the past 5 years.  I really do think the biggest part of my journey in my faith began when I went to college.  Situations that revealed to me where my heart was really at, and how ugly it really was.  God has been stretching, healing, teaching, growing, mending, saving, challenging, humbling, leading, and mainly caring for my heart.  He will do the same for you.  Just ask.

I'm thinking out loud here.  Well, thinking out loud in the sense of just typing out whatever comes to mind in the moment.  I feel silly doing this but hey, it's my blog and I make the rules.  I'm interviewing myself.  I'm a weird lady sometimes.  I'm okay with that!

Self: Bri, how are you? 

Bri: Well self, I am doing pretty well! 

Self: No, but really, how are you? 

Bri: I'm doing GREAT.  I've had to let go of a lot of ideas of who I am, and a lot of things that were holding me back from really seeing my life for what it is.  I'm learning what it means to be a disciple of Jesus, how to live that out in a more meaningful and glorifying way to God, as well as learning who I really am in Christ. 

Self: Woah. 

Bri: I know right? Try explaining that to someone who doesn't share my beliefs. 

Self: Isn't that the point? 

Bri: Yesssssss. 

Self: So Bri, are you ready for school to start again? 

Bri: Meh. I mean it's nice to have an actual schedule, but it's also nice to only really have one thing to work on. 

Self: Expand on that. 

Bri: Well...working full time, doing side projects, doing stuff with church, AND school is kind of taxing.  But I have a slightly different perspective this semester.  I was so drained in many previous semesters, and I think that's mainly because I kept trying to do things on my own.  It's amazing to see my life through the eyes of the Bible though.  If I look at my life through the Word of God, it's so much better.  My life isn't for me.  My life is for GOD.  My life is meant to glorify the Lord.  My life is meant to be lived like Jesus did, and my life is meant to show people the glory and power of the Holy Spirit.  I mean, it's still a huge challenge to die to myself daily, hourly, and pretty much every minute.  It's hard.  But it get's easier.  The more I focus on the Lord, the less I notice the weariness that comes from doing things in my own strength.  John 3:30, self!! "He must become greater; I must become less."  Really that's one of the main verses I'm focusing on right now!  It's crazy.  I love it.  But it makes me such a huge internal processor and somewhat of a hermit.  Which is weird.  But I think I'll get out of that phase soon. 

Self: ummmmm. 

Bri: Yeah, I know it's a lot and most of it doesn't really make that much sense.  I told you.  It's crazy.  Aka I feel like I'm on a crazy awesome adventure in my faith.  Like, I'm on this obstacle course high above the ground and God keeps asking, do you TRUST me.  I have to be like, YES LORD I TRUST YOU WITH EVERYTHING.  Some days I don't.  Those days are awful.  At the end of those days I'm like, shoot Lord, why didn't I trust you.  It's my selfishness.  It's my awful pride.  It's my sinful nature. 

Self: How does this relate to school. 

Bri: School is just another part of my life that is a part of this season I'm in.  And it's not my main focus.  God is.  So everything flows through that.  At least I want everything to flow through that.  God. 

Self: Okay.  So...what are you wanting to do with your life? 

Bri: You sound hesitant in asking me that. 

Self: I mean... 

Bri: Short answer: I have NO idea.  God has taken me on this extremely unexpected and unpredictable journey the past 5 years. 

Self: Long answer then. 

Bri: I would LOVE to work at a church doing design, communications, worship arts, something.  I see myself in ministry.  I see myself married to a man in ministry.  But I might marry a doctor.  I might marry a circus performer.  I might not get married.  But like I said, I see myself in ministry.  When my teachers talk about "the real world" in the design community, I cringe.  If I end up doing that, I know that God has a beautiful purpose in me being at an ad agency or at a design company.  But really.  I cringe.  It scares me.  Which probably means I'll end up there.  God is funny like that.  I adore His sense of humor.  At first, I did really hate it, but the sooner I learned to laugh with God and learn from the lesson, the more I enjoyed it.  The more I adored God.  It's a process.  But really.  I have no idea.  I guess what I really want to do with my life is live out the second of my favorite verses: Proverbs 31:25 "She is clothed with strength and dignity, she can laugh at the days to come."  Really I'm not worried.  I have two years left in this town for sure.  I mean, I can't really say for sure because we all know how God can change anything in an instant.  But really, I want to finish my degree.  I'm six classes away.  Two years away.  Then after that?  Only God knows.  And to me, that is SO exciting.  Scary, but exciting. 

Self: So, what's new. 

Bri: Everything.  God is amazing.  Beyond anything I ever expected.  Everyday I learn something new.

End of thinking out loud.  If you read that, I applaud you.  Pray for me.  Share how I can pray for YOU.  I would love to.

When I hit painful moments in life, it makes me nostalgic.

Nostalgic of all the other painful moments I didn't think I'd get through that God totally brought me out of and sanctified me in during the process.  I think about this blog post quite often.

It's crazy.  In my mind I'm just now really beginning to let things change me that happened even 5 years ago.  We're doing a study on Philippians by Matt Chandler this summer in my small group.  After the first week-just going through the historical background and content of how the church in Philippi got started.  There was so much going on there.  The love of Jesus Christ was breaking all these cultural, racial, gender, status, etc. backgrounds.  It's amazing to think about.  We put the power of Jesus's love in a little box all the time.  We want it to be convenient, easily explainable, normal even.  It's none of those things.  Why do we cling to our selfishness so much and make it so hard to let the Lord change our hearts.

I don't want to be selfish.  I don't want to hide from this beautiful process of change.  I want to run right at it with all that I am and be like, "OKAY God!! I surrender. Make me more like you no matter what anyone else says!"

"He must become greater; I must become less." John 3:30

That was a slight tangent.  Back to the painful moments.  There are a few that stick out in my mind.  I'll highlight a bit of the beauty that came from the pain.

Pain: Leaving Taylor University.
Beauty: Community with my college youth group.  Amazing friendships.  I can see how God used me in Michelle's life to be a positive thing.  She was pretty much the friend that made moving home be an okay thing.  God showed me so much about myself through my friendship with her.  It was so amazing to see her get married recently.  God transforms us all.  I'm so thankful for that.  I don't like taking credit for this, but a guy named Will was in my speech class my first semester back, and God gave me the courage to invite him to Crave.  It has been amazing to see how he got plugged in and pretty soon was a strong leader and prayer influencer among the group.  I became involved with a community worship night that completely changed my life and heart about worship.  Oh man.  I need a blog post for that.

Pain: Kamp.  It was physically and emotionally so difficult.
Beauty: I loved working at kamp.  I made a few good friends there who I still admire so much.  I love seeing how the lives of Kim, Caley, and Whitney are playing out!  (Funny story-Whitney actually went to FLI with me as well!!)  I learned so much that summer about letting go.

Pain: Not getting into FLI the first time I tried.
Beauty: This brought me to NIU a semester earlier than I thought it would.  I met some amazing people who I still see a lot of in the art building.  Also-It postponed my attending of FLI.  Which was awesome because of the AMAZING people I met when I actually did attend!

I know I'm forgetting so many moments in here.  Moments that brought beauty into my life.  Those are just a few moments that stick out.  God uses EVERYTHING in our lives.  Everything.

All I know is this: I love the life God has blessed me with.  I actually enjoy learning from the times of confusion and wondering what God is doing.  It's an exciting reminder that my life is meant to glorify HIM.

I'm blessed.  I really am.  I'm thankful for so much.  And I can honestly say, I'm happy.

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, she can laugh at the days to come." Proverbs 31:25

I miss the lovely lady pictured with me on the right.  Such a wonderful sister she is!  I was just reading her blog and got a little jealous of flying the skies.  Such a fun thing.  Being a flight attendant.  At least I think it would be fun.  Couldn't be much different from working at Starbucks!

It's funny that only a few days after I created a blog post based on identity-I had a reality check of sorts on where my identity is.

There are moments in life that force you to evaluate what you really look like on the inside.  It has been a rough couple of days.  A lot of confusion in many areas of my life.  But you know what?  I have loved seeing how people close to me have rallied around me to speak Truth and encouragement into my life.  I love prayer.  God is Great.

On a brighter note-I finally bought a new camera!!! Whooot!

Identity

Something that has really captured my attention lately is my heart and where I find my identity.  I've had this internal struggle going on for the past couple months about this issue.  I even did my final project in printmaking on the concept.  I feel like I've become so aware of what the battle between my heart and the world really looks like.  I love the following passage from 2 Corinthians.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

For so long I've been focused on how people see me, I look for their approval, I find satisfaction in being included and sought after.  Over the past year I've slowly become more aware of this in me.  I've become aware of the people pleasing nature and the rule following structure in my heart.  It was only recently that I became convicted about some of the things I would say in order to feel more accepted.  Gossip is such a huge part of our culture.  Gossip makes us feel stronger than the person we're talking about or putting down.  It doesn't seem harmful in the moment.  It caught up with me a few times this semester.  Not in awful horrible ways, but in little-itty bitty ways-ways that made me question my heart behind loving people.  It wasn't a fun feeling for me to recognize this in me.  You can see yourself one way but then the next moment you're completely aware and feel very exposed of something in you that needs changed.


I've been praying so much lately about this issue.  It's crazy to think that since that moment I was super convicted about gossiping, how much has changed.  It might only be my perspective that has changed though.  Things with people around me have gotten harder.  I hear the things people say and it crushes me thinking that I have gone along with it.  Comments about people because they are different, because they don't do something the way we think they should, comments because they don't fit our ideal, comments because we think we are better.  We are not better.  We are all human.  We all have faults and sin and pain.  Nobody is better.


It's funny.  It really is to me.  That the times in my life I've prayed for patience, for changes, for anything really, it seems like God challenges me in ways I would never have expected.  Lately I feel so opposed by some people around me.  I feel misunderstood.  I feel a lot of things.  But the thing I want to feel the most, is the love and satisfaction that can only come from my Lord Jesus Christ.  That is my biggest prayer.  In the meantime I'm learning to pray these verses and the ones in 2 Corinthians on my life.  

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore,having fastened on the belt of truth, andhaving put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and takethe helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, makingsupplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak. Ephesians 6:10-20

All in all, there are some amazing things in my life.  But really, my biggest prayer is my life will glorify the Lord.

Time.

Time fascinates me.

Moments that quickly pass,

Days that seem like weeks,

Months that happen like an eye blink.

A skewed perspective and perception.

Our reality isn't something measured,

Yet we constantly try capturing it,

Making it comprehendible.